


maybe, probably, possibly

by LilPotatoChips



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018) Actor RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Ben is confused, Catholic School, Joe is an altar server, M/M, Minor Lucy Boynton/Rami Malek, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, The plot probably sucks but here you go, hardzello, i wrote this late at night
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-14
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2020-01-13 02:37:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 13,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18459722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LilPotatoChips/pseuds/LilPotatoChips
Summary: it was supposed to be nothing more than friendship, but with the lingering gazes and delicate touches, joe had to confront ben about what he really meant to him.





	1. maybe,

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i've based the concept of altar serving on my own experience so if anything confuses you, feel free to ask a question ♡

serving the lord had been a part of joe's life ever since he was 10.

it was something he found difficult to think about letting go, no matter what the circumstance was. he had learned a lot about masses and sacred objects, met new friends and formed acquaintances, and as unrelatable as it was to people who didn't exactly have a religion, he found himself a firm believer of the holy trinity. he had no choice anyway, especially when his family were faithful people of the church.

despite having a busy schedule with the parish, he still had his studies to attend to. it was a small town he lived in, so everyone described him as the high school boy who kept his vows to the church without fail as well. everybody liked his outgoing and joyful vibe, so it wasn't difficult for him to make friends around. even with the one everyone thought was a social outcast.

joe's schedule during sundays were at 10 am. he knew almost everybody who came at the parish at that hour. after serving, he always reserved time to hang out with three of his closest friends — rami, gwilym, and ben. they all met each other at school, all at the same grade level of 11.

it was another sunday, the 10 am mass just concluded. joe got out of his cassock and surplice as fast as possible and left it on the hanger, bidding farewells to his fellow servers. he went at the back of church and met up with his three friends.

"hey, joe," ben greeted first out of the others, and then they followed. it wasn't something everybody noticed, but ben was the most attentive one when it came specially to joe. anything that involved the altar boy, really.

"hey, you guys," joe smiled as they started walking away from the parish, "where're we headed today?"

"can we go at the park? it's so rare i get to eat some cotton candy," rami suggested in a plead, earning a snort and a remark from the tallest member of the clique.

"i don't even see why you'd like to eat those... those  _things_ ," gwilym said, "they give you diabetes."

"shut up, mom," rami laughed, beginning to lead the other three to the street they needed to take in order to go to the park. it was a five minute walk spent in chatting about topics that weren't that much important at all. they've seen several familiar faces along the way, greeting ones they were comfortable with greeting at. when they finally arrived, rami bought his much wanted blue cotton candy and the group decided to walk around the town for a while.

it wasn't something very noticeable, but the four always seemed to split into two — rami and gwilym, and then joe and ben — whenever they hung out somewhere other than school. joe felt fine whoever he ended up having a conversation with, it was just for the last few months, he started feeling that ben had grown a little distant and cold day by day. he wasn't as cheerful nor jokey the first days they had formed their clique, and it felt new to joe. he wasn't sure if rami and gwilym noticed as well; maybe because the group wasn't their utmost priority when it came to friendship groups — joe knew well that the both of them had other friends, and the two were probably closer with them than him and ben. but joe didn't mind. for some reason, he just wanted ben to not feel more like a social outcast than most people think he already was.

joe could admit ben wasn't the friendliest people in his school, considering his bluntness at times, especially at people he preferred not to spend  _even_  a millisecond with, and the rumors about him that he used to be a heartbreaker at his school back in london who played with girls' hearts, which he strongly denied once he and joe had a talk about it. just as anyone would think, it was a small town and therefore, even the least nasty rumors were quick to spread around like wildfire. joe chose to believe ben despite all the talk and most girls avoiding him.

along the walk, occasional talks happened between the two. there were times ben just put his arm around joe, mostly when crowds grew around the street. it was inevitable especially on a sunday morning like this, where families went anywhere and everywhere to get away from their homes for a while. joe didn't mind ben doing it from time to time — he'd rather that happen than being bumped by people. or maybe he just wanted it.

soon, rami had to go and meet with his girlfriend, lucy to have lunch with. gwilym was exhausted walking around and went home after saying his goodbyes to his remaining friends. ben and joe ended up deciding to hang out at the latter's house. his parents were out at the city visiting some old friends, and they had trusted him enough to leave the house to him.

"do you want some pizza?" joe asked as soon as he unlocked the door, and the both went to the living room to rest from the long walk. they didn't even know why they didn't bother to stop by a store or some fast food restaurant; they just walked around for 30 minutes without stopping.

"yeah, i don't mind," ben replied as he ran his fingers through his slightly disheveled blond locks, arranging them into a better state. "does it have pineapples though?"

joe hummed in response. ben's face scrunched in slight disgust, which didn't go unnoticed by the other boy in the house.

"very cheesy though," he added with a small laugh. "i don't get why you people dislike hawaiian pizza so much. it's  _seriously_  the best kind of pizza i've ever tasted."

"you need to get your taste buds checked, mate," ben laughed as he made his way to the dining table. he watched as the shorter, brown-haired boy got the leftover pizzas from the refrigerator and put the in the mini oven to heat up. when he set the timer, joe turned and faced the blond.

"did you attend the mass earlier?" he asked, curious as to why he only saw rami and gwilym earlier while the mass was ongoing.

after a few seconds, ben answered, "yeah, why?"

"nothing, just that i haven't seen you in a while inside the church with your family for a while now."

ben looked away and turned his attention at the hanging photos on the walls. he had seen them a couple times now, but he'd never get tired of seeing a younger joe with a huge smile on his face. he thought he looked really cute back then. until now, actually.

soon, the warm pizza was ready and both of them had begun eating. joe gratefully received all the little slices of pineapple from ben's pizza, who still reacted in mild disgust at the choice of ingredient. they ate in silence after, with ben often stealing glances from joe, some of which the brunet caught and acknowledged with a gentle smile or even a wiggle of both his eyebrows.

they spent the rest of the afternoon lazing around in the living room together, with netflix pulled up on the television. after a few minutes of browsing shows, they eventually settled on 'friends'. joe got concerned about keeping ben a little too long in his house and asked about his parents. with an answer 'they're out', he shrugged it off and began their binge watching. around 30 minutes into their little activity, ben leaned his head against joe's shoulder. the brunet thought nothing much of it, and he even leaned back against the blond as well. they found their positions strangely natural and quite cozy.

joe thought that perhaps he was getting a little too comfortable around ben.


	2. probably,

joe woke up the next day, wanting nothing more but to stay in bed for a few more minutes. he tried to ignore the temptation of doing so and instead got up immediately and folded his blanket. he had to serve during monday morning masses before he went to school; anyone would think that was something virtually unbearable but the memory of his ministry's mass captain scolding him for missing his early schedule once kept him motivated through it.

weekday masses were fairly short, compared to the solemn ones during sundays. the priest held a homily of around 5 minutes and in those 5 minutes, joe needed to stay alert for the next parts of the mass. everything would go by quick later on, and soon he would be at his school in less than 15 minutes. it would be around 7 am by then.

exams had just gone by two weeks ago, so it was a lecture after lecture at almost all of his classes. some classes he had one of his three closest friends, some he had two of them, and some had none at all. during recess and lunch they went to their usual table and ate. lucy often joined them instead of her own group of friends. the day had gone by the usual routine — so far, nothing happened that joe would surely think it was the highlight of his day.

that was the problem with living in a small town. joe knew almost everybody, every possible hang out spot, and memorized the usual way a weekday would go. it wasn't like he was getting tired of it, nor was thinking of running away and skipping school for a day to get lost in the city. he just wanted something new, but not in a way that would change his whole life — he wouldn't be quite prepared for that yet. he would appreciate the littlest change in his routine.

"you guys wanna hang around my house a little bit? play some games and whatnot," gwilym suggested, and joe thought the offer was enough for now. "we could have some fries and iced tea."

"i got some homework, actually," ben commented, "you guys can go on without me."

joe thought it was better if ben joined, but he didn't say it out loud. he didn't want to come off as clingy when they practically had spent the whole day together yesterday. a little bit too close to each other, too.

"join us next time," rami said. after an exchange of goodbyes, the remaining three headed towards gwilym's house.

their stay at the said location was not that eventful, but it was surely some way to kill time. they took turns at playing video games on the ps4 and watched some short asian horror films soon after. after the film marathon, they chatted about topics, the type that they'd forget by tomorrow. joe was browsing through channels in the tv when a particular subject piqued his attention.

"ben has been really," rami started, stopping for a while to think of a word, " _silent_  these days. i don't know if you guys feel it too."

"i noticed," joe straightened up and grabbed his glass to take a sip of the iced tea. "a little distant when it comes to you two, i think."

"what about you?" gwilym questioned, "having yourself as an exception makes me a little curious."

joe looked at the two with an expression, one that says, 'haven't you noticed?' he finished his drink and laid it down on the coffee table before answering. "you always get into your own conversations and ignore the guy."

"well, he hasn't really been exactly participative when it comes to our conversations, so," rami explained, frowning his brows. "i just thought he felt out of place or something like that and i wanna talk about it because i don't want anyone feeling left out."

gwilym seemed to agree with what rami had just stated.

somehow, joe, being the one who felt the most concern for ben and his relationship with the clique, felt a little relieved that he was wrong. he completely assumed that rami and gwilym thought of their blond friend as a mere background noise all this time, when they were only confused as well with the slow turn of his behavior for the past few months. joe was a little thankful ben had his homework to attend to, now that he finally knew what his two other close friends thought of the situation.

joe and rami had to head to their homes soon, thanking gwilym for the snacks and the entertainment. along the walk, rami was texting lucy and was making small talks with joe about where they could hang around the next opportunity they got. they would be sure to persuade ben into joining them even with homework waiting to be done this time. it was part of a high school student's life, after all.

when they both arrived at joe's house, rami bid his farewell. though before he continued walking off, he said something that created a small beam on joe's expression.

"thanks for keeping up with ben, man. he's a great guy, i honestly don't wanna lose him after more than a year of friendship."

later on, joe had dinner with his family. the brunet had down his nightly routine during monday of washing the dishes and then getting himself cleaned up for bed. it was around 9 pm when he had the chance to bask himself in the comforts of his bed and soft pillows once again after a long, exhausting day. he had planned to sleep early to take back the one hour of sleep he would normally get if he hadn't served earlier morning, but strangely though, he grabbed his phone from the small desk beside his bed and went to call ben. the blond was definitely awake at this hour, so joe thought it wouldn't hurt if he tried to talk to him.

he grinned when a familiar voice came through the line.

"hey, hi," ben greeted quietly.

"hello," joe responded and then continued, "just called to talk or something. only toddlers sleep at this hour."

"didn't you have a schedule earlier though? i don't wanna take away your rest."

"yeah, i did. but it's fine. i'm just draining the rest of my energy to sleep easily."

"now, don't you go calling me and then leaving me to sleep, joe," ben laughed lightly, and if it hadn't been a soft one, the brunet at the other end of the line wouldn't have heard a car passing through at ben's side. joe knew that usually the blond would be in bed by now as well.

"are you outside?" he asked.

after a little moment of silence, ben hummed as an affirmation.

it was only joe's wild guess when he threw him a question again, "are you smoking?"

there was a hint of hesitance in the blond teenager's voice. "it's not your lungs to get worried about."

"uh-huh, you don't get all sassy talking to me like that, ben," joe said, suddenly feeling he shouldn't have probably went down on the path of nagging the other boy about being a smoker. he felt like he was ben's  _goddamn_ mother. it wasn't his business to touch but as a friend, he had a responsibility to tell him that he was too young to even lay a hand on those things. "you're like, 17 and trying to slowly kill yourself."

"it helps me calm down, alright? it's not like i'm addicted and smoke one pack a day," ben explained. joe's curiosity grew when he heard the first sentence.

"calm down from what?"

"from  _stuff_. it's hard to explain, let's just leave it alone, okay?" ben hurriedly said in what sounded a lot like a panic-stricken voice. "sorry, didn't mean to sound mean, if i did."

"no, it's fine. it's cool. i probably negated the calming effects of cigarettes anyway, so i should be the one apologizing."

joe heard ben chuckle at the other end of the line, which gave him his own gentle smile.

"i'm gonna get inside the house now," the blond said.

"aren't your parents going to smell the smoke on you?"

"they're inside their rooms. and i can sneak in quite easily so, yeah."

"okay."

ben didn't speak, but the line wasn't dead either. joe assumed they were going to talk a little more once his friend got back to his room unnoticed. and so they did.

"you should sleep now, joe."

"you should too, ben. don't want us sleeping through our classes tomorrow," the brunet chuckled shortly.

"that'd be you. i can sleep at 2 and wake up at 6," ben replied with a soft laugh. "but yeah, um, goodnight, joe."

"goodnight, ben."

as soon as the call ended, joe released a sigh — the content kind of sigh. he set his alarm on the phone for the next day and let it rest on the desk for the rest of the night. thoughts of his call with ben being the little, yet very notable highlight of his long day eventually lulled him to a sound sleep. he didn't know it yet, but it was probablybecause he enjoyed the said boy's company a little more than enough.


	3. possibly

****the first time joe noticed it was when he had to serve in his usual 10 am sunday mass schedule.

things were going pretty well at that time. he was assigned to carry the cross and it was no problem at all. he was good friends with all his companions, although one was substituting for a sick altar boy. her name was anne. joe knew her pretty well and could make a decent conversation with her for at least a minute. she was nice and all, but that was it.

when the mass was over, all of them made their way towards the dressing area. joe had nothing to rush for as all of his friends had their own family outings, though he wasn't sure about ben. however, he wasn't expecting for the blond to show up at their dressing area, let alone approach anne. joe observed quietly as the two talked together with bright smiles gracing their faces.

anne was a lovely girl. she had golden brown hair, much like the one that ben had. her face and her figure were pretty, as well as her light blue eyes. she might as well fitted the criteria of a beautiful protagonist in a beautiful love story. joe could tell that the scene just a few steps away from him had the possibility of being one of those. he watched as anne undid her tight bun, revealing her wavy locks. he watched as ben's gaze remained firmly on her, and how his light green eyes screamed happiness when anne gently took ben's arms and led him away from the area. before they complete disappeared though, ben looked back and caught joe's unwavering stare. they didn't even greet one another.

joe didn't know what to think, what to  _feel_. he would like to think he was happy for ben for finding someone that made him feel the butterflies in his tummy even for a while. he would like his thoughts to divert to something else other than the scene that happened right before him. he would like to forget how he practically felt like a goddamn stranger when ben looked back.

but frankly, he couldn't.

later on, he made his way to his waiting family after bidding his farewells to his fellow altar servers. joe's family talked about going to the city for something new for the last few days, and he knew better than deciding a little scene involving ben and anne would spoil his excitement and joy for the trip.

the whole day was spent going to the mall and getting lost in it, in a good way. his mother and his older sister, mary went to shop for new clothes, although they ended up only buying two, one for each other. he and john, his younger brother separated from the two ladies from time to time to look for shoes and eye some video game cd. they bought nothing at the end though.

when they finally got home later that night, joe realized how much the city could drain one's energy. he spent his remaining willpower to clean himself up before getting ready for bed. the city itself and some time spent with his family were enough distraction for now from the confusion that lingered in his mind earlier morning.

the next day, joe went over his usual routine. he spent the first break with some other friends, passing by rami, gwilym, and ben at their usual table. joe made sure to greet the three with a small wave and a smile. upon the sight of his blond friend, thoughts of yesterday's event came over him once more like waves crashing by the beach. there were some times joe didn't know what type of look he was expressing on his face, and those few seconds he made eye contact with ben were one of those. he hoped he didn't look stupid.

during lunch, the four of them spent it together like the usual times. ben was strangely a little more talkative than the way he was for the past months, and it was something rami and gwilym noticed. they didn't say anything in hopes that it would continue that way. joe  _loved_ it too, but knowing the most probable reason for it made him a little moody — the type of reaction he'd get when something pissed him off. he didn't contribute to their conversations that much. it didn't go unnoticed by the other two as well.

but joe wasn't pissed off. he'd describe the feeling as something close to melancholy. he didn't even know if his feelings made sense, especially when he didn't know where they were coming from.

"hey, joe," rami said as he waved a hand in front of the brunet's face, "you've been acting like your soul left your body."

"yeah, probably," joe laughed lightly as he straightened up and got his focus back. he really needed to stop getting distracted by things he didn't even understand much about. "what's up?"

"gwil was asking if you'd be up to watch the new avengers movie on wednesday after dismissal," rami replied for gwilym, who had just taken a bite of his sandwich.

joe thought for a moment before answering, "i've gotta serve, actually. i'm covering for someone who's out of the town for a few days."

"so it's just me and gwil, huh?"

"what about ben?"

"i've got plans," ben responded. joe blinked, the gears in his mind working to think what those plans were about. he opened his mouth to ask, but closed it without saying anything. if ben wasn't keeping anything big from them, he'd be willing to spill it. he could say he had already made plans with some other friends and the group would be fine with it. joe assumed it wasn't that type of situation though.

and he was right.

on wednesday afternoon, on his way to church, he saw ben and anne from far away. they were unmistakable in joe's sight — he could recognize ben from any angle due to the lengthy time they've been together as friends, and it wasn't necessary to think it was a woman other than anne. anne had her slender arm locked around ben's slightly muscular one. joe felt it safe to believe that by 'plans', ben meant a date with the lovely girl named anne. they had just walked out from the local ice cream parlor.

and that was when joe felt it. it couldn't possiblybe jealousy, right?


	4. i

the next days, joe seemingly continued to do the worst possible kind of losing all his focus and attention and therefore blocking everyone's words out. even his teachers had called him out on it. heck, rami and gwilym were confused as to why after ben had his own period of altering his attitude, it looked like it was joe's turn. they started to think that sooner or later it would be theirs.

joe was usually the most outgoing among the four. it was fine because whenever a conversation was dying, he would come and rescue it. during breaks, they now became a little more silent by each passing second, until it most likely drove ben away and towards the person who now obviously caught his interest more than anything and anyone in the world. there were currently three neutral people — lucy joined them today — and one person in a subtle foul mood left in the group.

"never seen ben hanging around that girl," gwilym commented as he observed the pair, "what was her name again? annie?"

"it's anne, you idiot. you've been studying here all your life and you never get anyone's name right," rami said with a chuckle at the end.

"yeah, yeah. you think they're seeing each other?" the other boy threw another question. rami only rolled his big, green eyes.

"just look at them, dude," the boy replied. gwilym had done what he was asked. his facial expression turned into one of realization, and his head bobbed up and down a few times as well.

lucy added her own input into the conversation, "they look good together. i'm glad ben has found someone who makes him happy."

listening to his friends chat about ben and anne for what seemed like several minutes had done it for him. he quickly finished what remained of his lunch and quickly excused himself to go to the washroom. he was so out of his usual self that day he didn't even know what he was doing and the logical reasoning behind it.

he thought at first that he was merely confused about why ben wanted to keep it from him. he thought it would hurt nobody if they had just spoken about it, that he liked a fellow altar server and that he planned to ask her out. it was okay if he didn't tell joe for a couple of days, but seeing them at such a relationship level just messed joe's mind up.

and then it all started to add up last wednesday, when he was supposed to go and watch a movie in the cinema with rami and gwilym if it hadn't been for the serving schedule he was given. he just felt a particular kind of dislike at the sight of those two blonds together, and yet he couldn't do anything about it. from the movies and novels he had seen and read, he almost knew exactly he felt that way.

he was just afraid to admit it even to himself for now.

two weeks passed and things went on by its new usual way. lucy and the two other boys were now used to coping up with the changes happening with ben and joe. they didn't fail to notice that the said two were seemingly avoiding each other, from the simple yet meaningful eye contacts to how far they sat from each other during breaks whenever ben was hanging out with them. lucy, being the observant girl she was, even assumed right from the start that ben  _had_ to be fond of joe to be comfortable enough with the said brunet — sure, he could get touchy at times, but with joe, it was on another whole level. almost as if they were magnets. now it was just the polar opposite. she couldn't help but think ben's relationship with anne had something to do with it. she thought it was strange too, the way anne was introduced into their lives, it was sudden.

joe and lucy were standing by the school gates while waiting for rami and gwilym. by now, joe would have been used to ben sticking with anne after dismissal. he recalled the conversation he had with rami about planning to hang out with the whole gang. he thought there was almost no way that that was going to happen within this week if all these...  _things_ keep up. it was almost like ben didn't know how to balance his time.

"have you taken the quiz in history, joe?" lucy questioned, as if sensing that the brunet was going deep into his thoughts again.

"yeah, it's not bad if you review," he replied, looking at the blonde girl and immediately recognizing her expression. there was that small smile and her knowing stare that gave her thoughts away, at least for joe. he laughed before continuing, "i'm an honest student now, luce. you can't make me give the answers away just like last year!"

lucy responded with laughter, eventually admitting that she was kidding and she was ready for the test tomorrow. she went to give him another question though, this time a more serious-sounding one.

"what do you think of anne?"

joe took a little longer to answer, knowing that lucy was patient enough to give him enough time to organize his thoughts on the topic. she knew enough, that's why.

"she's nice, i guess. i mean, you couldn't really judge someone if you don't know their character. it's like that story in the bible where a woman was caught in the act of adultery and people wanted to stone her but jesus stopped them all because they didn't know the full story behind it."

lucy smiled at the answer, appreciating joe's kindness and consideration. gosh, he was just as soft as a marshmallow sometimes lucy couldn't bear to see him getting all moody.

"yeah, but what do you think about her and ben? i mean, they've been really spe—"

"what do you want to me to say, lucy?" and there it was again, that unpleasant look and those unpleasant words. whenever those two people were mentioned together in one statement, lucy  _knew_ it was joe's move to look away, as if he was absolutely unbothered by the situation. "that i'm not fine with them dating? that i don't like anne because she's taking ben away from us? i mean, that's how relationships work; they get all your attention and you become stupid because you're blindly in love."

lucy would have said something about joe misunderstanding romantic bonds because it was not that way — if it was love then you'd know how to make time. she knew from experience. still, she kept quiet and watched joe's reaction carefully.

while she was doing just that, joe's eyes averted to something, anything else just other than the blonde before him. he felt defensive, like his walls were being broken down just because he was being asked some questions. looking anywhere else might have been a good or bad thing for him — or maybe a mixture of both — because when he saw  _them_ from afar, he felt the desire to curl his fingers into fists, but he didn't. he would be mad by then and why would he even feel mad? he didn't even have a goddamn right to feel such negative emotions.

that was when it happened. joe saw anne kiss ben in his very sight, and he wished his eyes were merely playing a sick trick on him because he damn well knew that he didn't like the fact that ben and anne kissed. he just did not. joe saw the way ben gently placed his hands on the girl's shoulders and that's when the brunet decided he couldn't take any more. he looked away and excused himself.

"my head is kinda aching, luce. sorry if i sounded mean or offended you. i just want to rest for today."

"you go rest, then," she replied in a caring tone. "you need it badly."

lucy meant it when she said those words, because she wasn't oblivious to the scene that just took place right behind her. she needed no more clues to firmly believe what she thought about joe's strange reactions and emotions, but what confused her now is the the frown on ben's face and how he walked away after pulling away from the kiss.


	5. have

joe went to spend some breaks with his fellow servers who were also in his grade level, which he found somehow mildly comforting. he wouldn't deny it since he knew he had been running away from the stares and words directed to him from none other than his favorite, or perhaps most hated blond called ben.

but who was he kidding? he couldn't possibly hate ben. not after he realized why he felt so strongly about his relationship with anne. he knew deep inside it was inevitable, knew that in the future he would have to admit to himself that he was fond of ben more than he should be as his friend. he didn't bother thinking about having to come out to his friends and family about it, especially when the situation was not in favor to him.

joe didn't know exactly when he came in terms with his sexuality, but he had always known that a woman's beauty and elegance just never sat right with him. he tried to like them, tried to feel attracted to the actresses and models he saw on television and even tried to have feelings for the girl who confessed to liking him two or three years ago. but he never did. all that caught his eyes were men. ben, especially and  _specifically_.

it had been a few days since the said blond messaged the clique's group chat so joe wouldn't even lie anymore when he felt a little thrilled about it.

_**ben:** _ _i need to talk to you guys tom after school, if you don't mind._

three days had passed since joe witnessed ben and anne kiss. he was doing his best to process the scene in a way that would not push him into a hole of overwhelming sadness for a thing he didn't even think he had the right to feel sad about. he could only hope what ben was planning to tell the clique was confirmation about his new girlfriend. he thought it was going to bring him some kind of closure to his emotions.

except it was a topic completely different from what he had expected.

the group was gathered at the area behind the school, where it was grassy and quiet and nobody else came by. there were trees around but not enough to make it almost seem like a forest. some old materials the school just couldn't get rid of were stored there. the four boys and lucy sat under a tree, waiting for ben to start speaking up.

"okay, so first of all, i just wanna say i'm sorry. i know i've been an ass and leaving you guys without telling you all what my business was all about," he said, keeping his head down to hopefully avoid the gazes of each person he was faced with. it was no use though, everyone was looking at the ground anyway.

"i, um, i know you guys have an eye for couples, so i'm pretty sure you guys thought that girl anne and i were, uh, dating?  _god_ , i didn't even know we were and i feel like some stupid fuck! i don't even know,  _fuck_ —" ben inhaled a sharp breath, and that was when everybody had looked up and caught tears threatening to fall from his eyes. joe decided he despised this view more than anything. "i didn't know what i was doing with her! i'm so confused and i— i feel terrible—"

ben gripped his hair tightly and covered his eyes. he bit his lips and was trying to keep his cries silent. the other four had never seen him this way until now. joe thought if ben would have acted like this if it weren't for the cigarettes that helped him control his anxiety. he wanted nothing more to soothe him out of this terrible situation, but for heaven's sake, who was he to even do that when he exerted effort into avoiding him for past days?

it took a while for ben to slightly calm down and breathe steadily. rami was now delicately rubbing the blond's back in hopes of calming him down. gwilym and lucy were whispering comforting words. after a moment of hesitation, joe decided to offer his hand for ben to grip onto. he remembered when he was younger and had breakdowns, his sister would always come to show him that there was somebody who cared, and she would make him squeeze her hand instead of mindlessly punching the walls until his knuckles hurt and bled. joe didn't want to see ben like this.

"you guys, i shouldn't have left you in the dark like that," ben chuckled bitterly. "i— i know it was unusual when i started hanging around other people, let alone a girl like her. i mean, you guys are probably the only ones i can trust that will not run away even if i'm rumored to sell goddamn drugs in the neighborhood."

ben took his time and wiped his tears away. he felt miserable for even crying in front of his friends like that — he hated being physically vulnerable but he couldn't help it, especially when this was one of the rare times he could actually express his feelings openly. he gestured rami that he can stop, told gwilym and lucy that he was fine, although he kept joe's hands. he didn't even know he missed joe's touch this much.

"god, that must have caused you some confusion," ben bit his lip and said, "i, um, it actually started around a few months ago. i don't mean the thing i have with anne, it's something much bigger." joe could feel ben tightening his hold, but he could break his bones for all he could care. "i hope you guys don't walk out on me. no matter what i say next."

lucy comfortingly replied that of course, they wouldn't. heck, who would even do that after more than a year of friendship?

"i came out to my parents. it was more like a gamble, really — i have no idea on how they would react since i've never really heard their opinions on gay people."

ben looked at each of his friend's gazes, and he was ready if he could see even the slightest hint of disgust or hate but there was nothing. it was just patience and little sparks of joy in their faces.

"i prepared myself for the worst and thank the lord, i did. i could see disappointment in my dad's eyes and later that night i could hear my mom crying. fuck, i feel such a wreck that night i just couldn't sleep. like it was all my goddamn fault to begin with. like it was my mistake that i apparently like men and not women," ben took a deep breath to prevent himself from letting go another load of tears. "i couldn't hate them for it, they're my parents and i love them but—  _damn it_ , does my sexuality make me less of a son to them? i just... feel so bad about it.  _god_ , i can't even cry because i know i've cried enough about it."

all of them stayed silent for a while, taking in all of the information they had just heard. they were relieved ben had risked it and decided to come out to them as well — it must have been difficult and scary after dealing with his parents' reaction for months. now the whole situation with anne was quite understandable now. ben did it for his parents to look at him the same way they did before he became honest with them about his preferences. from the looks of it, they weren't too sure if his troublesome plan even worked out. nevertheless, they knew that was done and they could take care of it later on. for now, all ben needed was the support and love his group of friends could give him.

and he was definitely getting it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> goodness, i hope wrote this chapter decently. i know it may matter to some people out there who had gone through the same situation as ben did in this story, and as a person who had never experienced it, i could only wish for you that things will get better as time passes on. there will be people who will love you for who you are as well, so don't feel so hopeless, yeah? ♡


	6. fallen

the very next day, lucy and the others made sure ben enlightened anne about the whole situation. long story short, anne was kind enough to keep her mind open about how things really went down with her and ben, although the blond boy knew that he saw pain and disappointment behind her eyes. he knew she really did like him truly by then, and he just couldn't stop apologizing because the guilt was eating him from the inside.

"you know, you don't have to pretend to be someone you're not just so you can please other people," joe said one night in a call with ben, when things were slowly going back to normal.

"yeah, learned that the hard way," the other boy replied with a bitter laugh. "she said we could still be friends. gosh, she's so angelic. whoever marries her is a lucky man."

joe hummed, finally feeling at peace. there were no words said between them for a while. joe couldn't catch any sign of ben being outside and smoking again, and he was relieved. it was getting late, but they weren't quite able to find the right time to end the call yet.

"how are things with your parents?" the brunet questioned, breaking the silence.

"uh, pretty fine actually, for now at least. i brought her home once and later that night they told me they were happy for me," ben sighed, before continuing in a softer voice. "wish they could be happy for me as well if i brought home a boy."

weeks passed and things were better than ever. ben was unlike the way he was before anne came to their lives, when he would be quiet and distant and everything he was not when he was first introduced to the clique. joe was back to his original self. lucy found the changes interesting, even more when she and the other remaining unmentioned boys noticed that ben and joe sat beside each other again in their breaks. sometimes the stares were 'stickier than goddamn glue', as gwilym described. rami and gwilym eventually caught up to what lucy was thinking in their own, and being the friends they were, they started teasing the pair on having mad crushes on each other.

exams were coming up and needless to say, the students needed to focus on their studies for now. the clique had their own group study sessions at either the house of joe or gwilym. the sessions took place after school everyday with lucy occasionally joining them. they'd always help each other and ask each other possible questions that might come up in the exams, but when it came to calculus, ben was pretty much the one doing all the lectures. it was almost as if the others hadn't listened to their professor at all!

"wait, wait, can you repeat that?" rami requested, and ben sighed in a very slightly annoyed way. it was for the third time they had asked him to explain a certain formula, and he hoped it was the last.

"bloody hell, i don't get any of this!" gwilym said in a way to try to keep his volume down. "you talk like you're having a rap battle with eminem or some shit."

"you morons just don't get it," ben shook his head and then turned his head to joe, who was sitting beside him as usual. "i mean, joe understands my explanations. right, joe?"

joe hummed as a response, not even bothering to look up and continued to solve the problem in his paper.

rami chuckled despite feeling like his eyes could explode at any moment. "god, do lovers understand each other so easily."

the blond eyed him blankly and quickly looked down on his own paper. if he only had his hoodie with him, he would have worn it just to hide the blush he could feel spreading across his cheeks.

"go on and keep telling silly stuff. i'm not going to teach you," ben calmly responded. he could hear very well that gwilym and rami were attempting to stop their laughter.

joe remained silent, and despite giving the calculus lesson before him his full attention, he couldn't help but fidget a little when the topic was brought up. he was pretty sure as well he felt himself blush at rami's comment. however, it didn't last too long and he was relieved and slightly dismayed at the same time.

their study session continued, and by the end all of them understood the lessons quite well. joe almost felt like he could practically take the exam in that very moment while the formulas were still fresh in his mind. his mom offered to let his three friends stay for dinner, and while rami and gwilym politely declined as they had their own dinners to get home to, ben found the offer welcoming and accepted. things at his home went back to the way they were after learning that he and anne 'broke up'. joe knew and was delighted that ben somehow found joe's home his little place of comfort as well.

the blond helped with preparing the table, being extra careful as he wasn't very used to their kitchen yet. when they had dinner, everything was wonderful. they shared conversations with one another and ben was happy he had a chance to have dinner without feeling tense nor receiving thoughtful stares from the people he was with.

when it was time for him to go home, joe went to walk him to the porch. the brunet would have wanted to walk him until they reached his house, but his mother would most likely disagree since it was already around 8. ben's house was thankfully not too far and joe didn't need to worry about something unpleasant happening to his close friend.

"did you ask permission from your parents? about you staying here until now?" joe asked when they stood around his porch for a while.

"yeah," ben smiled and nodded. "i definitely prefer letting them know than coming home to receive an endless speech about them getting worried and all."

joe grinned at the sight of ben, especially when he kept the smile. he wasn't going to deny that his heart was starting to beat faster when there were just the two of them. he felt so ridiculously joyful just because they were in each other's presence. at first, he wasn't so sure about the whole 'butterflies in his tummy' sensation being a good thing, but now, he decided that it was.

"i'll see you on monday," ben spoke after a while, but he made no move to leave.

"i'll see you too."

joe wasn't expecting it at all, but ben went to gently wrap his arms around him. it felt wonderful and warm and cozy —  _goodness_ , he couldn't get enough of it. he felt ben's naturally muscular arms around his own figure and that, if he was to freely express his emotions, would make his knees wobble right now. he didn't know how to react when he felt ben rest his chin against his shoulder, whispering a sweet, little 'thanks for tonight' before completely letting go and showing that stupid yet lovable grin of his.

he didn't know that a simple hug of someone he liked was that ecstatic and enough to render him speechless for a few seconds. he could feel his heart jumping in his chest and  _heck_ , he couldn't wait for monday to come if it meant experiencing being that close to ben once more.


	7. in

****ben honestly didn't know what took over him that very night and decided to embrace joe without fear of being pushed away.

sure, they had times when they leaned their heads onto each other's shoulder and their hands occasionally brushed but it was nothing compared to a hug. on the way home ben was slightly panicked because joe didn't even move and most probably felt awkward. ben knew joe and his other friends were doing their best to make him feel welcome after he outed himself, but what if he made joe uncomfortable with that one single gesture? no one might have even noticed it yet but he took extra caution and started suppressing himself from freely touching joe even in the slightest of ways. he just  _feared_  that joe would start to avoid him.

when he got home, his parents asked him to sit down on the couch opposite them. ben was confused for a while, but he did what they asked anyway. he knew what times like this meant — they needed to discuss something important and personal.

the conversation started off slow and casual. the first one to speak was his mother.

"how was your stay at joe's, dear?"

it's been a while since ben was called 'dear' by his mother. he felt a little taken aback but he quickly recovered.

"it's good, ma," he said with a smile. "dinner was nice."

"you, uh," his father spoke, "your study session was fruitful, i hope?"

"yes, it was."

when the adults ran out of appropriate questions to ask, they looked at each other with expectant eyes, waiting for the other to speak. ben's anxiety was slowly growing and though he may not usually tell his parents what he wanted them to do, he just had to ask what was so important that deserved a meeting.

"can you guys just get straight to the point?"

"look, ben," the woman who ben got his golden brown locks from began, "we just wanted to tell you that we love you no matter who you are." her next sentence was virtually a whisper. "god, that felt so good to say again."

ben bit his lip in slight embarrassment. they could talk about anything all day, be it about how he was doing with his studies or how his father's favorite soccer team did in their most recent game, but when it was those types of mushy and deep conversations, he considered wanting to be swallowed by the mother earth's soil. he just didn't do well in those sorts of things.

"to explain, we just never really expected our only son to, you know, like boys instead of girls so it was a surprise, " his father narrated, "we wanted to see you grow up and get married to a lovely woman and have lovely children. we knew our wishes were not exactly coming true but then we'd be breaking our promise when you were still a child. that promise would be to support you and love you no matter what happens, no matter what choice you take."

ben looked down at his lap, feeling emotional as he listened to his old man's words. he kept quiet as he continued.

"ben, we were on the wrong treating you differently when you came out to us. we were delighted when you brought a girl home, but when we felt that you didn't feel genuinely happy to be with her, we thought it best if we just accept the fact that you like men. nothing matters more than you being truly happy, and we'd be willing to do anything for that."

ben's mother had apparently been silently crying the whole time, evidenced by her sniffling when she commented, "sometimes, your father's tendency to ramble is put on a good use."

ben smiled and stood up to make his way towards them. his parents stood up as well and pulled the blond boy into their arms. it was a warm hug, one that ben rarely experienced with his parents. he wanted to cry real bad, especially after seeing his own mother's tears. his father's speech had wrenched his heart in a good way.

"i love you two," he mumbled with a grin. he felt complete when he heard his parents say those three words back at him.

after cleaning himself up and changing into more comfortable clothes, he immediately went to his room and opened his phone. he pressed the contacts icon and scrolled until he found joe's. oh, he was  _so_ excited to tell the brunet about the good news.

it took a while for him to hear his friend's voice on the line, but when he did he started to speak a little too fast about what just happened.

"woah, calm down, buddy. i can't hear you well," joe said with a small chuckle. "you sound like a schoolgirl getting noticed by her crush."

"okay, okay. my parents were like, acting a little strange when i got home. they told me to sit down and we started to talk. they told me about how they're finally cool with me liking boys, and it's just so fucking miraculous or something because i've been praying for it for so goddamn long. seriously, joseph, you don't know how happy i am right now."

ben could practically sense joe's huge grin over the line when he got an overwhelmingly merry and joyful reaction from the said brunet. ben wished he could wrap his arms around joe one more time because he  _just_ felt like it and he knew he wasn't going to feel doubtful ever again when he did it. there was nothing now that stopped him from fully embracing his true feelings for joe and there was no more cage of guilt whenever he thought about kissing him and touching his delicate skin.  _shit_ , he was just so glad about how things have turned out.

"we need to celebrate, ben!" joe excitedly declared. ben was up for any kind of celebration, as long as didn't involve alcohol or anything illegal. he verbally agreed with joe.

"you wanna go out to the city tomorrow? the whole day, if you can wake up early?" the brown-haired boy offered and waited for a response.

"uh-huh," ben replied, smiling, "i was planning to stay up until midnight but that can change. should i tell gwil and the lovebirds?"

this time, joe's voice became smaller, almost like a mumble. ben thought it was reasonable when he heard the boy's next lines. "no, um, i was hoping it'd be just the two of us."

the blond boy's heart raced and his cheeks felt warm when he thought of them being together in the city, wandering around and getting lost in the beauty of everything around them. it sounded like a date, he thought, and joe was requesting for it. ben didn't even need to think of ways he can get them to be alone together when the opportunity was within his grasp. just a few more fortunate situations, he'd be asking himself if he was asleep all this time and merely dreaming.

"that's also great," he replied, holding a breath in. "i'm looking forward to it."

"me too, ben," joe said and then giggled. "now go on and take a rest already so you won't sleep on our trip tomorrow. goodnight."

ben laughed in response. he wanted to say badly about how he was going to fall asleep tomorrow while they went out of the town when beside him was the most beautiful boy in his eyes right now. he'd do anything to keep them open.

"goodnight," he said instead.

it was going to be one hell of a celebration tomorrow.


	8. love

****i sat on my scooter with both legs on one side, patiently waiting in front of ben's house. it was around 8 when he got out of the house, and i didn't fail to catch the sight of him pecking his mom's cheek before he left. i smiled at the sight.

"hey," he greeted with a grin when he saw me. "i didn't know you can drive a motorcycle."

"now you know. let's go," i replied, getting settled. he sat behind me and i began driving our way out of the town.

"this is my first time riding on a motorcycle," ben commented, his voice seemingly slightly shaky. "please don't make any sudden turns."

joe laughed at the blond's reaction. at circumstances before, he would've had second thoughts about his next statement but seeing as things have changed, he didn't hesitate.

"you can hold on to me," he said loudly enough for the other boy to hear without having to turn his head. "i'd hate for you to fall down despite that being practically impossible."

joe bit his lip when he got no immediate response, but he released a breath he didn't know he was holding when he felt careful arms snaking their way around his abdomen. he blushed at the motion but he kept his eyes on the road. his heart sped up when he felt ben gently rest his face against the brunet's back. joe's mouth opened and close, having something to say but then pondering over it again. he didn't want the blond thinking that their distance — or lack thereof — made him uneasy. it was quite the opposite actually.

"is this okay?" ben asked.

"yeah, it's good," the other boy replied.

the whole ride continued like that, and no more words were said between them. even when they arrived at the city and ben was getting used to the feeling of riding a scooter, he didn't let go. it wasn't his first time laying his sight on the metropolis, so he wasn't too taken aback at the loud sounds of car gears and busy traffic — especially on a weekend like this — and people walking every and anywhere. there were tall buildings around and it felt like he was already lost just from the sight of an overwhelmingly big city. joe seemed to know more about the streets, so that had ben curious.

"do you come here often?"

"when i have time on my hands and my mom knows i'm out in the town for the whole day, yeah."

ben chuckled. "so the good boy named jospeh mazzello is not a good boy, after all."

"hey, i still do better at most of the subjects than you. and i attend to all my serving duties as well," the brunet laughed, but he thought about what he had just said. if this  _thing_  continued between him and ben, certainly it wouldn't look too good for the others, especially those older people who stuck to their traditions. he was someone who promised and kept himself dedicated to the church — would that be any different if he liked boys?

soon, joe found a parking spot for the scooter and led ben into the plaza. it would've been lovely — and a little more romantic, as joe would have preferred if he was honest — if they visited at night instead, as there would be those aesthetically pleasing yellow lightbulbs hanging across the streets and the weekly fireworks around 7. joe thought they could return later on and see the wonderful setting with each other. for now, they bought hotdogs and milkshakes while they walked around, eyeing various items in stores and ending up outside with nothing anyway.

they had gone into a musical instrument shop, joe trying out some basses and ben making his way towards both drum kits and digital drums. they smiled and laughed when they got out, joking about how they could form a band if rami and gwilym knew how to play their own instruments as well. later on, they bought some slices of new york-style pizzas for lunch. they continued to walk around, simply having fun and chatting about various things. they kept close enough that their shoulders and hands were brushing in a way that tempted the both to just take the other's hand and hold it forever. no one made a move, however.

at the end of the day, they ended up buying ben a red wool sweater and joe some adorable iconic socks that the blond thought fit his personality well. somehow the people in the plaza hadn't decreased that much, they actually increased a little. fortunately, they found a spot with little to no crowd and it had a decent view of the fireworks. it was nearing 7 that time, and soon the sky was lit by exploding sparks of beauty.

ben and joe sat on the grassy ground and leaned against the same tree as they watched in silence, but the bright beams on their faces were clear evidences that they were content and happy on how things have worked out until now. it was a cold night, but all they felt was the warmth from each other's presence. joe was happy with just being beside ben, but he was happier when the blond teen leaned his head against his shoulder. he didn't hesitate anymore when he also interlaced their fingers together. ben willingly let the brunet do what he wanted to do to him.

"thank you for tonight, joe," he whispered after a while. the fireworks show was still ongoing and he hadn't taken his eyes off it, afraid and nervous to meet joe's eyes instead. he knew he had no reason to feel that way, especially when all joe had done was make him feel welcomed and comfortable. those brown eyes of the said boy were ones he loved so dearly, but they were also the ones that made his hands sweat and tremble and his knees practically feel like jelly. it made him vulnerable, but he wasn't opposed to it.

joe hummed and smiled. "i think this is my favorite day so far, so i should be thanking you too."

"that melts my heart, mazzello. didn't know you were such a sweetheart," ben laughed and lifted his head. he gained the courage to look at joe's face, and when joe sensed the blond's gaze was not going away no matter how long he waited, he decided to return the gentle look as well. both of them blushed, the pace of their heartbeats increasing when ben looked at joe's lips and uttered a question, "can i kiss you?"

and he thought it was stupid because he'd never heard anyone ask if they can kiss a person they liked. however, he never got a verbal answer because joe dived in for a kiss instead. it was gentle and loving, careful and patient. ben was surprised at first; he was frozen in his spot because it overwhelmed him on how a kiss could send electricity-like sensations through his spine, on how it was calm and chaos at the same time, on how it could feel so vastly different depending on who the person was.

it was more than the answer he was hoping for.

joe was the first to pull away, and the breathy, blushing look the brunet had only made ben wanting more. ben kissed joe again, this time he knew what to do and led the other boy as their kiss went on for moments. his hand had travelled up to joe's soft cheek and caressed it gently.

ben knew by then it was more than a silly crush he felt for joe. it was more than the desire of wanting to be with him all day, of wanting to feel his skin against his own. it was one of the strongest emotions he's ever felt throughout his life, and it was worth the wait, because he knew by then it was  _love_.


	9. with

"oh, wow," gwilym said, voice laced with sarcasm and eyes widened in mock surprise, "what a surprise!"

"i know, gwil!" rami chimed in, "we  _totally_ didn't think you two were an item, you know, despite the flirtatious looks and touches. total-fucking-ly. right, babe?"

lucy simply chuckled and shook her head fondly. she hummed and acknowledged the conversation.

those were the reactions ben and joe received when they officially came out as a couple to their clique. apparently, they had been a little too obvious about the things they do as a couple and the clique wasn't stupid not to catch on to what was happening. lucy knew for a lot longer than rami and gwilym, and if she were to say it, even earlier than ben and joe themselves. she used to contemplate on playing cupid but figured that it was better to let the boys admit it on their own. nonetheless, she was happy on how it all turned out.

a few weeks later, the pair was hanging out at the park on a thursday afternoon. they were enjoying their own cones of strawberry ice cream while reviewing for a quiz in history they both had the next day. they pretty much covered everything they had to know, but instead of going straight to their homes, they stayed in each other's presence for a few more minutes.

joe had been thinking about one particular subject for a while now, and he was itching to tell ben as soon as he got the opportunity to. the brunet thought right now was a good time.

"um, ben, can i tell you something?"

the blond-haired boy looked at his beloved and smiled encouragingly. "yeah, what is it, love?"

joe still blushed whenever ben addressed him in sweet names — 'love' was one of many.

"it's just," joe began, biting his lip as he thought of his next words, "i don't feel exactly comfortable keeping my family in the dark, y'know? i mean, they're gonna know about us one way or another, so i just want them to know it from me."

ben listened carefully, processing what joe wanted to do. he knew how coming out to his mother and siblings was quite the challenge, especially when both of them never received any kind of clue of whether or not the brunet's family would be cool with it. so far, joe's mother had been so kind and affectionate every time ben came to their house, so it shouldn't be so bad. right?

but joe was right. it was way better than his mother knowing from nosy neighbors that her son had been dating some blond guy from school and he had stepped inside the house several times already.

"do you wanna do it later? i can go with you. introduce me again as your boyfriend," ben suggested, his striking light green eyes gazing at joe's lovely brown ones.

"are you sure? i mean, that's very spontaneous and you and i are most probably — no,  _definitely_  — not prepared. i don't even know what to say, for heaven's sake," the brown-eyed teenager laughed nervously. if ben hadn't leaned in and planted a soft kiss on joe's nose, he would've probably continued rambling on and on.

"hey, it's better than never. i'm as nervous as you and panicking about it won't do us any good, okay, sweetheart?"

joe nodded in small bobs, later on letting his facial expression be invaded by smile that ben found sweet and mirthful at the same time. "okay," the brunet whispered.

they finished off their little reviewing session and headed to joe's house. joe was holding ben's hand like it was the only thing keeping him alive at that moment. as much as he didn't want to let go, he needed to when he opened the door to his house.

"welcome home, darling," his mom said from the kitchen as they entered the living room, "oh, you're here too, ben! do make yourself at home, dear."

"thank you very much, mrs. maz—" ben stopped to correct himself as he remembered what his boyfriend's mom told him to call her as. he slightly reddened in embarrassment. "mom."

joe quietly laughed at the little scene and ben nudged him at the shoulder playfully.

"where's john and mary, ma?" the brunet asked as he made his way towards the kitchen beside his mother.

"in their rooms. oh, do call them down, sweetie. dinner is almost ready."

joe went up to his siblings' rooms and being used to it after several visits at the mazzello household, ben stood up from the couch and helped mrs. mazzello prepare the table for the family. the brown-haired woman smiled gratefully at the blond when they finished. soon after, joe and his siblings came down and took their seats at the table.

"how's school, you guys?" mrs. mazzello started the conversation, the question being pointed at ben and joe.

"it's good so far," ben answered with nods, "we've actually done a little studying earlier for a quiz tomorrow."

"that's good, dear," she smiled, "i get a little worried about joe — with all his serving schedules and whatnot, i thought he may be losing his focus on his schoolwork."

"you don't need to, ma," the brunet chuckled lightheartedly. despite the cover, ben could see the tension in the way his facial expression rests after the little laugh. "it's a thing i've gotten used to."

it was silent for a moment, save for some chitchat between joe's siblings and his mother. when it had gotten completely quiet, joe decided it was the perfect timing for his and ben's announcement. he gripped his silverware and hoped for nothing to go wrong.

"mom, i have something to—"

"oh, joe, did you—"

"um, you go first, mom."

"no, no, dear. you go on. you have something to say?"

joe curled his lower lip and took a deep breath. "i have, yeah. it's, um, about me and ben. i won't beat around the bush anymore. we're dating."

joe mentally prepared himself on the way home about how his mother would react to him coming out. he thought his siblings would most likely be okay with him turning out to be gay, so it was his mother he was really worried about. he didn't look up from the food in front of him, in fear that his mother would have this brokenhearted expression — he'd seen enough, and another sight was going to break his heart too. it was silent, and the silence was starting to get deafening. there was no sound, even the one of silverware clashing against china plates. joe held his breath until he heard his mother sigh. he wasn't sure what the sigh meant until he saw the warm smile painted on her face.

"finally, you admitted it," she chuckled, "did you think i didn't see the way you two lovebirds act around each other?"

"oh  _goodness_ ," ben exhaled and laughed, looking at the brunet beside him, "we've been  _that_ obvious? even your mom noticed it."

"i mean, i didn't want to assume quickly, so i thought it was best to give you time to finally reveal the truth," mrs. mazzello said like it was no big deal. she then continued, "and why would i think of you being any less of my son just because you like boys? i think it would be stupid to love everything about you except your sexuality."

joe grinned from ear to ear, the heavy, invisible load from his shoulders lifted up in an instant. he was too happy he couldn't even think straight to arrange his words into a statement. instead, he settled for those heartwarming three words and he knew his mother knew it was enough to express his gratefulness and appreciation towards her acceptance.

"i love you, mom."

later that night, joe and ben talked over the phone as they laid in bed. moments like this made joe notice that ben no longer went out for a drag during late nights. the thought made him smile.

"i didn't expect that to go smoothly," joe said.

"me too, love," his boyfriend softly replied then he started to laugh, "should we have another celebration?"

"just being with you is enough of a celebration."

"wow, that's very sentimental of you."

joe was mirthful. "do you not like it?"

"no, i  _adore_  it. i also adore you, if that helps."

the brunet giggled and shook his head gently. "you smooth talker."


	10. you.

a month had passed.

joe remained loyal to his duty to the church and kept his position in the altar server ministry. ben came and went to visit him at the dressing room at times, and whoever saw them together often knew what was going between them. sometimes, it would raise wonder but no one dared to ask joe. anne was surprised by the twist of fate, but she was happy that ben found what genuinely made him joyful.

joe often got support from people who knew him as a server and the person he was outside the parish. it was rare, but he did encounter a woman who went to mass during his 10 am sunday schedule while he and ben were walking around. she gave them a dirty look and walked the other direction. the couple didn't exactly have a say to her opinions, so they knew it was best to live her alone.

it was a regular sunday morning and joe was at the dressing room. apparently some of his companions were newly installed and this was their first mass. he felt some duty resting on him, but he had at least 3 experienced servers with him so he knew — or  _hoped_  — everything was going to be just fine.

he felt a firm yet gentle hand wrap around his wrist and smoothly slid it into his hand. the brunet turned around to see ben who successfully got into the area once again. one of the mass captains had  _suggested_  ben staying out of the dressing room and instead waiting for the mass to end before he and joe interacted. joe sighed at the sight of his boyfriend, feigning disappointment but nonetheless, he still felt sparks when he saw ben smile.

as fast as the blond held his beloved's hand, he was also quick to pull away. joe was not going to admit he was a little displeased.

"you should probably get out before they ask you to and i'm the one to blame because i haven't scolded you enough," the brunet said as he got into his surplice.

"uh-huh, just asking if you'd be up for hanging out with rami and the others."

joe raised a brow. "you know i'm always up for that."

ben giggled before he asked a valid question. "okay, kidding. will you come at my house after we hang out with our friends? mom and dad are going out and i wanna spend more time with the one i admire so much."

"okay then," joe chuckled. "now go and get outta here before they kick both our asses."

"hm, see you later, love."

soon, the mass began. the new servers weren't as bad as joe originally thought. a few more masses and they'd be ready to go. he remembered himself in them when he was still an inexperienced server and he was assigned to bring the chalice to the altar table. it's a good thing the priest didn't see him misplace the said vessel and even had the mass captain that time replace it on a different spot. he felt ridiculously embarrassed and felt like secluding himself in his very own little corner that day.

well, everyone learns from their mistakes.

when the mass was over and all of them got out of their airless vestments, joe bid his goodbyes at his companions and went at his clique's usual meeting spot. ben had put his arm across joe's shoulder without hesitation this time as they and the three other people made their way to rami's house.

"you guys," gwilym spoke, starting up a new topic. "i feel so left up because i'm the only one left that's single here."

lucy laughed, "isn't that allen guy you talk to taking an interest in you?"

gwilym's cheeks slightly reddened when allen was mentioned. joe had seen the mentioned person around his classes but never really got to talk to him unless it was necessary for their lectures.

"i don't know. he's cool but," gwilym paused, thinking of his next words. "he doesn't drop enough hints for me to know that the feeling is actually requited."

"i can hook you guys up," ben enthusiastically jumped in the talk, "we actually stick together at calculus and he's mentioned you a few times."

gwilym's eyes practically sparkled when he heard ben's statement. "really?"

the conversation continued until they got settled in at rami's dwelling. they ordered hamburgers and ate them for lunch, along with some cans of softdrinks. they watched two movies on netflix and when they finished, each of them got to their own places to go to. just as joe promised, he went with ben to hang out at his house.

they ended up simply cuddling on his bed, with a warm blanket over them. joe rested his head on ben's firm chest and ben had both of his arms around joe. the blond occasionally planted light kisses on his boyfriend's head and whispered sweet little things as they laid in serenity. joe closed his eyes but found himself unable to fall asleep. he wanted to cherish every second of their moments, because who knew how long things between them were going to last?

"your hair is so fluffy," ben muttered, "it reminds me of the dog i used to have when i was little."

"what happened to him? or her?" joe lifted his head up and looked into ben's viridescent eyes.

"insulinoma. pancreatic cancer," he replied as he caressed the brunet's smooth cheek. "i felt so bad when we went to the vet to put her down, but i knew she had to rest."

joe had always felt uncomfortable with saying 'sorry' or even showing the slightest hints of sympathy whenever he heard stories about people losing loved ones, and so he didn't. instead, he pushed himself and gave ben a sweet peck on the cheek. he was content when the blond teen's lips curled into a genuine smile.

"wherever she is, i'm sure she's happy because i know you cared enough for her," joe smiled back as he spoke.

"she would've liked you as well," ben replied, gently pulling joe into a heartwarming kiss. the brunet kissed back just as passionately as ben did. their lips danced together for what seemed like mere seconds — as most good things seemingly feel a little faster than they actually were. joe felt content about how the things around were him now. he was content with just kissing ben, he was content with just being wrapped in his pleasant embrace.

he couldn't ask for anything more.

joe pulled back and whispered. it was a silent melody, one meant only for ben to hear.

"i love you."

and it was the first time he said it. it was a slip of the tongue, a swift moment where all his fears withered and the words had made it out from his heart. joe opened his eyes and caught the surprised expression in ben's features. it softly changed into a fond and affectionate mien.

"i've been waiting for you to say those words," he whispered back. "i love you too, dear."


End file.
